I’ve been hesitant to talk about myself over the past couple of months. I’ve given somewhat superficial updates about how I’m doing, but the truth is, I’ve been battling depression again.
Right now, I’m doing a little better. It still feels pretty raw though. One of the things I pride myself on as a blogger is my honest blogging and I can’t honestly say I’m 100% right now. So instead of pretending those feelings don’t exist, I’m going to talk about them.
Depression, anxiety and body image issues reared their ugly heads starting around January, and try as I might, I can’t seem to shake them. I’ve thought a lot about the contributing factors and what’s hardest for me is I feel like I have no reason to be depressed. No grounds to feel sad. I live a pretty fantastic life. I love my husband, I have the cutest dog on the planet, I have no real concerns about health or wealth. So why?
Maybe it’s seasonal affects (in California… I know! I didn’t think it was possible, turns out it is), or this time of year is hard between my dad’s birthday and the anniversary of his dying, or that they recently changed my hormone replacement therapy for the first time in several years and I’m feeling a little hormonal craziness. Maybe I still really don’t feel like I have sense of purpose because I don’t work. Maybe I’m hard wired this way. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m too hard on myself and need to look within myself and work through things more.
So what am I doing about it? I’ve started taking St. John’s Wort as I find it helpful with depression and do not want to take anti-depressants as they don’t really work for me. I’m trying to eat healthful things without obsessing over eating some junky things. I’ve decided to go back to seeing my therapist after almost 2 years off. I feel like there is a certain stigmatism with people getting mental health help, so it’s hard for me to admit it.
And well, I’ve decided to talk about it.
One of the things I found extremely helpful with everything I’m going through is reading about others going through similar issues. And if you’re going through something right now, something similar or something completely different, you’re not alone.
I’m learning to be nicer to myself. I think one of the things that hinders my progress through depression the most is the fact that I’m always so focused on getting out of the depression, that I am critical of myself instead of allowing myself to be depressed. Because it’s ok to be depressed.
Instead of focusing all of my energy on pushing it down, ignoring it and quickly get out of it, I need to be present in my depression and properly and slowly work through it. It’s not pleasant, but if I don’t, it’s just going to hang around longer.
Some of the things I’m currently working on is centred around being nice. I need to be as nice to myself as I am to those I love. That is not something I’m familiar with when I get in this frame of mind. I’m not a huge tv fan, when I’m having a good day, I may watch 1 hour max or none at all. Lately, I’ve been enjoying it more. I like to sit and watch a few shows during the day and I’ve been really hard on myself about it. Why? What is the harm in watching a little more television right now? It’s not impacting my productivity and it’s a nice brain break. It means I’m not working on some of the goals I have set for myself (like learning Spanish), but that’s ok for now.
I find I’m having a harder time getting out with friends and sometimes cancel and I worry about coming off as a flake. Instead of worrying so much about this, I need to be honest with them and tell them I’m not emotionally well right now and am trying to work through things.
And body image issues are a recurring thing with me. I have talked about that before and I wish I could just love my body the way it is, but I don’t right now. And it’s ok to not be where I want to be because I know I’m working towards loving myself and my body.
It is hard writing this. Aside from Terry and one of my very close friends, I haven’t talked to anyone about this. It seems easier to suffer in silence, but it’s not. I actually feel better having written this and know that I have great support group of blogging friends that will read this and be the awesome friends they are. And hopefully this will get me to talk about it to other friends too.
Thank you for reading and being there for me =)
In other news, some of the prom pictures have come back! I will post more about them this week, but wanted to share this one with you. I saw this and loved it. I didn’t think anything critical or negative about it. I look happy and in love with my dude ❤️