Working on Me

I’ve been hesitant to talk about myself over the past couple of months. I’ve given somewhat superficial updates about how I’m doing, but the truth is, I’ve been battling depression again.

Right now, I’m doing a little better. It still feels pretty raw though. One of the things I pride myself on as a blogger is my honest blogging and I can’t honestly say I’m 100% right now. So instead of pretending those feelings don’t exist, I’m going to talk about them.

Depression, anxiety and body image issues reared their ugly heads starting around January, and try as I might, I can’t seem to shake them. I’ve thought a lot about the contributing factors and what’s hardest for me is I feel like I have no reason to be depressed. No grounds to feel sad. I live a pretty fantastic life. I love my husband, I have the cutest dog on the planet, I have no real concerns about health or wealth. So why?

Maybe it’s seasonal affects (in California… I know! I didn’t think it was possible, turns out it is), or this time of year is hard between my dad’s birthday and the anniversary of his dying, or that they recently changed my hormone replacement therapy for the first time in several years and I’m feeling a little hormonal craziness. Maybe I still really don’t feel like I have sense of purpose because I don’t work. Maybe I’m hard wired this way. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m too hard on myself and need to look within myself and work through things more.

So what am I doing about it? I’ve started taking St. John’s Wort as I find it helpful with depression and do not want to take anti-depressants as they don’t really work for me. I’m trying to eat healthful things without obsessing over eating some junky things. I’ve decided to go back to seeing my therapist after almost 2 years off. I feel like there is a certain stigmatism with people getting mental health help, so it’s hard for me to admit it.
And well, I’ve decided to talk about it.

One of the things I found extremely helpful with everything I’m going through is reading about others going through similar issues. And if you’re going through something right now, something similar or something completely different, you’re not alone.

I’m learning to be nicer to myself. I think one of the things that hinders my progress through depression the most is the fact that I’m always so focused on getting out of the depression, that I am critical of myself instead of allowing myself to be depressed. Because it’s ok to be depressed.

Instead of focusing all of my energy on pushing it down, ignoring it and quickly get out of it, I need to be present in my depression and properly and slowly work through it. It’s not pleasant, but if I don’t, it’s just going to hang around longer.

Some of the things I’m currently working on is centred around being nice. I need to be as nice to myself as I am to those I love. That is not something I’m familiar with when I get in this frame of mind. I’m not a huge tv fan, when I’m having a good day, I may watch 1 hour max or none at all. Lately, I’ve been enjoying it more. I like to sit and watch a few shows during the day and I’ve been really hard on myself about it. Why? What is the harm in watching a little more television right now? It’s not impacting my productivity and it’s a nice brain break. It means I’m not working on some of the goals I have set for myself (like learning Spanish), but that’s ok for now.

I find I’m having a harder time getting out with friends and sometimes cancel and I worry about coming off as a flake. Instead of worrying so much about this, I need to be honest with them and tell them I’m not emotionally well right now and am trying to work through things.

And body image issues are a recurring thing with me. I have talked about that before and I wish I could just love my body the way it is, but I don’t right now. And it’s ok to not be where I want to be because I know I’m working towards loving myself and my body.

It is hard writing this. Aside from Terry and one of my very close friends, I haven’t talked to anyone about this. It seems easier to suffer in silence, but it’s not. I actually feel better having written this and know that I have great support group of blogging friends that will read this and be the awesome friends they are. And hopefully this will get me to talk about it to other friends too.

Thank you for reading and being there for me =)

In other news, some of the prom pictures have come back! I will post more about them this week, but wanted to share this one with you. I saw this and loved it. I didn’t think anything critical or negative about it. I look happy and in love with my dude ❤️


15 thoughts on “Working on Me

  1. I, too, have dealt with a lot of depression this year and it has felt HARD to wade through as a person with a public platform. I thank you so, so much for shedding some light on where you’re at, and I trust that your acknowledgement of the issue *(especially poor body image) is 100% the first step toward fighting it. ALSO, I *do* work and struggle with feeling like I am a person of value when I am not doing so (like the once a week I take a day off) I totally understand using *things* (dieting, exercise, working, relationships) to try to make me feel like I am doing something- but unfortunately it just doesn’t work. Eventually I work too hard or I go through a break up or I get hurt exercising and the void is still there. Trying to just sit with myself is the hardest thing, and it seems like you relate.

    My thoughts are with you and cheering you on! I know I’ve started to come out of my depression and I am certain you will too. You’re a real hero of mine, so please know you aren’t alone.

    1. Lacy – thank you. This made me cry a little – just knowing there is someone out there having a tough time to that I can identify with and who is a kick ass chick that I admire.
      You have had SO MUCH going on in the past year with moving and getting married. Both exciting things, but stressful nonetheless.
      I definitely relate with trying to just be present with myself and not worry about keeping super busy. I need to work on that.
      I’m starting to come out of my depression as well, which is nice. Glad we’re both headed in a good direction =) Thank you so much for posting this, it really helped.

  2. That is a gorgeous picture and it must be lovely to have at this time. It sounds really tough for you. I hope you have some ways of finding comfort to just give yourself a break. But there is no easy answer as you seem to be acknowledging – I once read someone talking about a tough time and saying (in the style of “we’re going on a bear hunt”) you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it, you’ve got to go through it. It took me a long time to understand that. Good luck and many warm wishes to you.

    1. The bear hunt is a very good analogy – I had never really thought about it this way until recently, but it’s very true. I’m finding ways to feel better, slowly, but surely. Thank you for the kind words =)

  3. I struggle with depression and anxiety. And I also struggle with feeling like I shouldn’t be struggling because in theory my life is pretty good. But it isn’t how it works. I think it definitely has helped being able to be open about it with people in my life, thankfully they are mostly supportive. I hope you find similar support. You know you always have mine. xx

    That is a truly beautiful photo. <3

    1. It’s funny how that works – feeling sad, but not feeling like we deserve to feel sad, which I think fuels sadness even more.
      Having support is pretty important and I am lucky in that regard. Thank you – I’m always here for you too =)

  4. Kimmy, I debated e-mailing you privately in response to your post, but I thought maybe commenting publicly might make someone else reading this feel less alone. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I’m thinking about you and sending you tons of empathy, love, and hope for tough times. I also admire you HUGELY for being willing to talk about your struggle with depression and body acceptance. I struggled with both of these issues for many, many years, off and on, and while I feel I’m in “recovery” mode now, I always have that fear of going back into the abyss where it feels like I’ll never wake up truly happy again.

    I also feel confident that you are getting the help you need and that you’re committed to working this out. I know your strength and your love of live and I know you won’t give up. Lastly, I just want you to know (In case you didn’t know already), how grateful I am to have you as a friend and soul sista’. You were there for me during one of my darkest periods of life and I am there for you, too. You are a ray of sunshine in the world, and I’m not just saying that because your fur-baby’s name is Sunny whom I also adore. XOXOXOXOXOXO.

    1. Carrie – thank you so much for this. You are a truly amazing person and I am grateful to have you as a friend. You have been there for me during my dark times too and I’m glad we can support each other.
      I can’t wait to see you again soon =)

  5. (((Hugs Kimmy))) I’ve struggled with aspects of anxiety and depression in the last as well. It’s so hard when those feelings come back. I have been very upset with myself for gaining weight this past year and put myself down everyday. I’m trying to over it and be less obsessive but every day is a struggle. It’s so great you’re focusing on being nice especially to yourself. You deserve it. You’re such a wonderful person and I’m sure everyone that reads your blog can tell as well. Thank you for sharing. I’m here if you need me. 💜

    1. Weight is always a tough issue with me as well. It’s hard not to constantly think about it, obsessive over it, like you say. I hope you are nice to yourself too, because you are one of the sweetest people and deserve only niceness. Be kind to yourself. Thank you for the caring words, I appreciate your support and friendship Mary Ellen =)

  6. I’m so glad you could share this Kimmy – and think it is very brave to do so. I have no doubt you will touch and help many others experiencing similar difficulties, and think everyone who speaks up about mental health difficulties helps to tackle the stigma that (sadly) can still stop them being spoken about as openly as they could (should!) be.

    My thoughts are with you at this difficult time and I hope that the things you are working on bring relief xo

    1. Thank you Kari! That is definitely my goal… it would be too hard to share otherwise.
      I’m starting to feel better and am so grateful for your care and concern. Thank you =)

  7. I hope you sort things out and start getting to a happier place. I am glad you acknowledge that even people who are sensitive to mental ailments still can be judgmental about themselves about going for professional help. I know when I was in hard place in my life the idea of getting help just didn’t seem like an option, and now that I am older, feeling better, and reading more articles about mental health I really just should of gotten help. I see a lot of my friends today that are struggling with depression and are having a hard time making that first step.

    1. It’s hard step to make. Especially, when you are in a negative mindset. The thought of getting help just makes everything seem that much more real and almost forces you to accept what’s going on.
      Thanks for the kind words Jennifer. I’m glad you’re in a better place now, I’m trying to be too =)

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