On Birthdays and Grief

Today would have been my dad’s 66th Birthday. Normally on his birthday, I’m actually ok. Good even. This year for some reason, I’m not. I miss him so much and I just wish more than anything that I could be celebrating his birthday with him physically present then in spirit like I have been doing the past 11 years.

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Grief is a funny thing. It’s like the ocean as it rushes in and recedes out, sometimes rather unexpectedly. Sometimes I feel like because so many years have passed, I shouldn’t feel my sadness so strongly or sharply anymore. But is that true? I shouldn’t try and push away these feelings of sadness because they are uncomfortable or because some people arbitrarily decide that grieving should last a certain amount of time. I should embrace them and own them.

I am sad because he was such an amazing person and I was so lucky to have had as much time with him as I did. I’m having a hard time seeing that recently, and especially today. Sadness isn’t something to shove under a rug. It’s there and it’s real.

Although I’m just feeling a lot of pain today, I will try and take this opportunity to remember and honour him. If he were still here, I think he would have flown from Canada to California to visit (he preferred visiting warm spots during the winter). We’d have got up quite early this morning to go golfing. I would be terrible and he would be enjoying the challenge of a new course. We’d go out to a fancy supper and enjoy some homemade cupcakes.

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Although I don’t get to spend the day as I’d like, I’ll still celebrate his life – birthdays were always a fabulous occasion at our house. I’ll go out for lunch and enjoy a cupcake.

Happy Birthday Dad.

cupcake

14 thoughts on “On Birthdays and Grief

  1. Wow that is hard! But I think your reflections are spot on. Grief is not something to get over. Death is not something to get over. It is something that we just have to learn to live with and some times it is harder than others. I still feel shocked sometimes to remember that certain people aren’t in my life because it still seems like they should be. Ride the waves of grief Kimmy, be kind to yourself and know that in continuing to remember your dad you keep a little piece of him alive. Will be thinking of you.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I know you understand grief all too well yourself. It is not something to get over, although I feel like some people expect it is like that. People who haven’t lost someone close to them.
      Thank you <3

  2. That’s beautiful Kimmy. You were lucky to have him… And he clearly was lucky to have you. He still is. Sending you lots of love, as I do know how you feel. 💚

  3. I admire you for writing this post in memory of your father, who is still with you in different ways x
    I have to be honest, I don’t really know what to say.
    I am blessed my parents are with me, however the older I am getting, the more afraid i have become of Death and afraid for everyone I hold dear and near me.I know it is something that we have to come to terms with as it hits us all, but your never ready and you never forget – best way to honour people is to keep their memories alive. Your doing that all the time for you Dad. Thinking of you x

    1. For someone who wasn’t sure what to say, you expressed yourself pretty well. Thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately getting older does inevitably mean losing our loved ones. But as you say, we hold on to them in a way by keeping their memories alive. Thank you Shaheen.

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