Objects in the Rearview Mirror May Appear Smaller than they are and the Chocolate Break

About this time last year, I borrowed a Halloween costume from my friend Robin. She is totally into Halloween like me and dresses up every year (like me) and homemakes all of her costumes (… not me). I was excited to save a few bucks and borrow hers. Only when I got it home and tried it on, it didn’t fit. It was too small. I was bummed. There is nothing like tight or too small clothes to send a girl into a dark mood into dark places with faces crumpled up to cry and feel “fat”.
I tried not to dwell on it and think I did an ok job as I had a fun month that included some traveling. And it turns out I didn’t need the costume as I got a horrible cold and had to cancel my Halloween party and ended up spending the actual day of Halloween at the White House (woot!).

And this year comes around and I decided to try borrowing the costume from Robin again. I prepared myself for not fitting into the costume and even asked her where I could by the part that didn’t fit as some of the parts fit just fine. I knew I had gained weight since last fall as I remember feeling thinner and feeling fitter.
I took a deep breath and tried shimmying into the costume. No tears required this time – it fit!!! Unbelievable. It is tight, but last year I wasn’t even able to get the dress onto my frame.

I had to stop and think to myself. I had actually remembered feeling thinner last year. I was sure of it. I was definitely bigger this year, no doubt in my mind. And despite the evidence that has been presented to me, I still freakin’ question it! I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around it. This is how disordered eating works. It whispers horribly mean things in your ear, things you would never even consider saying to anyone. Things that reduce you to tears and make want to work out more and eat less and hate intensely dislike yourself. It’s a problem I have, and try as I might to just love myself the way I am and be happy with my curvy body, it feels like an uphill battle. Every. single. day.

I hesitated about posting this, I’ve been gradually posting more and more about my personal relationship with myself and I do this so others that may have similar problems know they aren’t alone. I want to tell you that I am in a happy place and am recovering 100% from everything. But I’m not, it’s not the reality of the situation. I have come leaps and bounds from where I was and I’m happy with the direction I’m going, but I still have so much work to do.

I also wanted to share with you my break from chocolate. I LOVE chocolate. Maybe a little too much. When I’m in a good place, I eat it a few times a week (probably a bit every other day). I noticed over the summer, my intake crept up to daily, which wasn’t so bad. I didn’t think too much of it. And then I had some stressful things going on at the beginning of September and I started stress eating. I didn’t worry about it too much as sometimes it helps me through a stressful time and I’d rather not dwell on making myself feel badly about it. But by the second week of September I went from having a few squares of chocolate a day to an entire chocolate bar. And brownies. And maybe half of a bag of chocolate chips. Yikes! At the risk of setting some food restrictions habit in place, I decided to take a break from it. It’s been almost 3 weeks and I actually feel a lot better and know it was the right thing to do. I do not plan on breaking forever. I actually think I will try gradually incorporating it again by the end of the month, but it’s right for the time being. It’s a fine line between taking a break from something and restricting, but I feel good about it. It doesn’t feel like restricting and it hasn’t set any other old behaviours into motion.

This is a long post and if you’ve made this far – I thank you for reading and supporting me through some rough stuff. I’ll keep working at it =)

Last month we checked out a beautiful beach south of where we live – I’ll leave you with a few pictures:

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23 thoughts on “Objects in the Rearview Mirror May Appear Smaller than they are and the Chocolate Break

  1. Love this post! I have no concept of how I really look. Some days I see a cutie and some days I see a chubbasaurus. It doesn’t help that I am extremely un-photogenic 😀

  2. Kimmy, I think it’s so brave of you to share how you’re feeling. I know when I read blogs I start thinking everyone is perfect and I’m the only one struggling with body issues. Maybe as healthy bloggers we think that we should be perfect all the time or at least portray that online but of course no one is perfect. I’m studying to be a nutritionist so when I make bad choices I feel extra bad about it because I feel like I “should know better”. I’m trying to get out of that thinking but it’s hard. I’m trying the one day at a time approach which helps sometimes but of course I get down on myself a lot.
    One of the reasons I love your blog is that you’re honest and also very supportive. Keep doing what you’re doing! ((Hugs))
    PS – you look great in those beach pictures!

    1. Mary Ellen – you are so sweet. I really appreciate your kind comments. I really do sometimes feel like all of the other bloggers out there have it all together) and are perfect. It makes me wonder if I struggle alone, it’s nice I’m not (although I would just prefer none of us to struggle at all!). I’m extra hard on myself too as I am a nutritionist and fight for “perfect” eating. It’s tough. Thank you so much =)

  3. Gorgeous photos! And you are perfect the way you are :)
    Just got your note about wanting some of the Hickory Nuts! SURE!!!! I have plenty! Drop me a note with your mailing addy. My email addy is jennifer s bliss at gmail

  4. For me, I have to go COLD TURKEY on things, or else. I am very much an ALL or NOTHING type of person – it’s not a great personality trait, but since I KNOW this is who I am, I can work with it. As for posting about more personal things, I hear you! I used to solely just post about everything other than myself (I would just make videos)… But I am really started to incorporate my life into some of my posts so as to perhaps help others, just like you! I really think that that is exactly what blogging is for!

    1. Sometimes I am easily able to do cold turkey and I think it’s best to just cut it out – a clean break. I know it’s not for everyone though. I don’t know if it’s a bad personality trait, I think it takes a lot of strength to do it.
      I’m glad other bloggers are posting about themselves too. Thanks GiGi =)

  5. Thank you for sharing this personal post Kimmy, it is good to know I am not alone in my struggles about my body image (and chocolate over-eating). I don’t buy much chocolate, and it helps that we live far enough out of town that I only go shopping once a week, but I have noticed I have been eating more chocolate lately too. Definitely not helping with my goal to get back to pre-pregnancy shape! I like the idea of having a break from chocolate, that sounds non-restrictive and do-able :)

    1. Thanks Kyra! Maybe I need to move further away from chocolate – it’s too close! I just need to remember it’s a “sometimes” food. Hopefully this break will help reset my patterns and cravings =)

  6. I like personal posts on blogs. I have certainly been struggling with body image more than usual in the last few months. I managed to lose the weight I gained and then some, and for about a week I had the odd sensation of being pretty happy with the way my body looked, but then my brain reset how I see it and I feel crappy about it again. I am definitely sliding into eating more sugary things lately as well with stress or being sick or feeling tired, so I need to get those things out of my house… unfortunately the way I will do that is by eating them all first! :/
    Anyway, I appreciate people who share their own struggles on their blogs, it makes it easier to manage and feel like there is someone who understands.

    1. I know all too well how you feel. I get those back and forth feelings too. There are days where I feel pretty good about things and then out of the blue just feel crappy again. This week is a good week for me, so I suppose I’ll just try to hang onto that feeling.
      I’m sorry you have been feeling crappy lately :/ It’s hard getting out of a funk, especially when body image comes into play. It’s so tough to get out of that mindset.
      *hugs*

  7. I value your personal posts too Kim. I think it really helps to recognise that the brain can’t always be trusted to give accurate body information! I am glad you could take the risk of trying on the outfit so you got some more realistic feedback. I also think taking a break from a food short term is a nice contrast to going on a ‘diet’ or falling into full blown restriction.

  8. It is funny how we perceive our bodies. I’ve had some body image issues over the years, and it is weird thinking how certain times I was “so thin” but I probably wasn’t much thinner or possibly bigger than I remembered. And of coarse where the weight is coming from changes how your look, like I am currently the same weight I was in high school, but I have a lot more muscle so I don’t look so chubby. Which is why I always stress with people to not worry about “weight” or you shouldn’t embarrassed by the number on the scale.

    And it shows a lot of self improvement to “restrict” a diet but not going overboard. I’ve cut out desserts and late night drinks lately and it is because I was just binge eating. I wasn’t enjoying the food and I felt a little sick physically. I had to step back and say “maybe my body just needs me to eat less.” I am already feeling the effect and know I made the right choice. It isn’t like I CAN’T have dessert, just that I won’t have it unless I am hungry.

    1. Thank you Jennifer. That is perfectly said. I got into a state too where I was eating for the sake of eating, even after being full and not even really enjoying it. And I need to switch my mindset to not completely restrict, but to enjoy certain foods sometimes.
      It is important not to stress so much about weight or numbers – I definitely agree with that (in fact I haven’t looked at a scale in over a year as I know it does bad things to me emotionally).

  9. Just saw this and think it is helpful to share this – I hope one day you will look back on it and be able to see you have made progress. I think this world of one-size-fits-all – esp where that one size is an unusual style of body – does not help nurture a healthy body image. I think learning to understand my body shape and being active helps me but stress does seem to bypass these protections.

    1. I definitely need to work at understanding my body shape. Being active is very healthy for me. Right now, I’m trying to focus on how strong I am, instead of thin/big I am. It’s a better area to focus on.
      Thanks Johanna =) I really hope one day (soon!) I can look back on this and feel differently, better.

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