**This post contains personal information about me. After debating whether I should share it or not, I decided to as I haven’t felt comfortable enough to really share it with any of my friends and I’m hoping if I continue sharing things like this on my blog, it will help keep me accountable for my health and not slip back into destructive behaviours. I also hope it helps others that are currently struggling. We can all support each other.
More honest blogging for you today. I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for 10 months. I honestly thought that I would be “all better” by now. Ha ;p I suppose I should have known better, that this will be a lengthy battle.
I recently joined a gym. I had been attending a boot camp and doing my own workouts, but really missed the community feeling of a gym and I really like going to group fitness classes. I managed to find a deal with a nearby gym and they offered a free fitness evaluation. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I figured I would take them up on the free things (they also offered a free personal training session and a free facial!!). I prepared mentally for this evaluation as I assumed it would be a lot of numbers about my body. I told them I did not want to know my weight, and they were really nice about it. I will be completely honest with you, I snuck a peek at the end of the session. I tried so very hard not to care and not to look, but there you have it – I’m not the greatest with willpower. And the number I saw, didn’t upset me. I think I sighed in relief. After not knowing my weight for well over a year, I broke down and needed to know. It was a number lower than I was expecting. Despite the fact that my clothes are tight and I certainly don’t feel lighter. I’ll admit that it’s a little sad, but seeing that number did make me feel better.
What didn’t make me feel better was the body fat percentage measurement. Holy crap. I was not expecting the number they told me it was. And they told me I should be concerned. I instantly went into a mini meltdown (ok… I went home first and waited for my husband to come home so as not to meltdown solo). I told him how concerned I am about it and how things need to change. When I think about some of the things we’ve been eating over the past several months, it actually adds up to a very high fat diet. And a fair amount of it would never be considered healthy fat (I’m looking at you potato chips and chocolate bars!). He freaked out a bit in return worried that I’m going into a restrictive mode again. And it made me think. Of course I am obviously concerned about the health implications of this, especially since my family has a history of hypertension and high cholesterol. But I know deep down, that I’m really just terrified of being fat. I hate that I feel that way.
So what am I going to do about this? I’m not going to completely and radically change my diet. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and it doesn’t work for me. I don’t want to eat less food, I do want to eat better quality food. We’re going to eat fewer chips and enjoy healthier forms of potato. Instead of buying chocolate at the store, I’ll make my own. We’ll eat more vegetables (ok… we already eat a TON of vegetables). We can definitely eat less fat and throw in more protein without drastically changing things.
And I’ve made an appointment with my GP to have a physical and get blood work done to check my cholesterol and triglycerides and have her opinion on how things look and see if I should be concerned. She is after all, a medical doctor who knows me and my history (no offense to the complete stranger at the gym).
I also wanted to put a more positive spin on some of the things I’ve experienced since I’ve gained weight over the past 3 years.
- got a dog (ok… obviously has nothing to do with weight gain, but awesome nonetheless)
- got faster (I shattered my PR for half marathon running)
- got stronger (I can lift heavier weights)
- my husband loves my curves
- my hip roll looks way cooler in dance class
Alright, so I’m obviously still working through things, but I think I’m better than I was a year ago and that small step in the right direction makes me happy.
Do you struggle with body image?
Have you found ways to love yourself?