Do you ever wish you could just hit a reset button on something going in your life? Or maybe a fast forward button… or better yet, a panic button?
I’ve been dealing with yucky feelings lately and instead of burying them down and letting them fester, I figured I’d share them here. It’ll probably make me feel better and if anyone else has similar feelings, maybe it will make them feel better, too.
This summer has been great in a lot of ways. I’ve been spending more time with friends, doing more fun & exciting things and indulging more. When we went to Switzerland, we realised the price of food was so expensive, we decided to eat less than we normally do to try and save money. I didn’t really think of the ramifications this could have on me during my recovery (which is still raw & new). Although I didn’t notice, it almost sent me into a mini-restrictive phase. Just eating less reminded my body how easy it is to eat less. I lost weight within those 2 short weeks and my clothes were loose.
But when we got back from our trip, it sent me into an overeating & overindulging phase. It went straight through my birthday, which I wasn’t too concerned about, as I like to enjoy my birthday and not stress about eating. But indulging with fun so it kind of kept going. And weeks later… it’s still going. I’ve gained weight, my clothes are tight, I’m not sleeping as well, my energy is lower and I just feel kind of crappy during the day sometimes :/ It’s not how I want to feel. I want to skip through these feelings. Or ignore them.
I keep wanting to make changes, but my old habits creep back up and I just want to restrict again, which isn’t good. And I’ve been getting caught up in feeling horribly guilty and beating myself up over eating poorly. I keep telling myself I’ll eat better tomorrow, or next week, giving myself deadlines. And I make lists of all of the things I shouldn’t be eating, which isn’t healthy and I know it’s not healthy. In the past, hitting the reset button meant starting a cleanse and eating only certain foods. At this point, I know it would only trigger some old, restrictive habits. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do a cleanse again, which makes me feel crappy and vulnerable.
And then I read this from Super Strength Health. And it kind of clicked. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. We all have struggles and they don’t just resolve nicely, neatly & quickly. And having struggled with something for so many years, I can hardly expect it to just be all better after finishing treatment. I still have a lot of work to do. And I’m going to have days with lots of progress where I feel good about myself, but I’m also going to have days where I feel like crap and don’t like myself. One step forward, two steps back. BUT, despite this set back, I think I’m actually more in the territory of two steps forward and one back. I’ve come a long way in the past several months and I should be proud of that. Do I still sometimes (more than I would care to admit) eat entire bags of chips in one sitting? And waaaay too many peanut butter cups? Yes, but I’m working on balance and I’m working on myself and maybe that’s good enough for now. I don’t like that my clothes are tight and I’ve clearly gained weight, but I don’t want to go crazy about it. It’s just not worth it.
I will just keep trying to work through things and be honest to myself and gentle with myself. If you are going through something right now, I ask you do the same for yourself =)
Oh and I read this post about Food Rules from Healthy Helper Blog and it made me laugh and remember that restricting doesn’t help a darn thing. Enjoy food for food. It’s a good place to start.