About this time last year, I borrowed a Halloween costume from my friend Robin. She is totally into Halloween like me and dresses up every year (like me) and homemakes all of her costumes (… not me). I was excited to save a few bucks and borrow hers. Only when I got it home and tried it on, it didn’t fit. It was too small. I was bummed. There is nothing like tight or too small clothes to send a girl into a dark mood into dark places with faces crumpled up to cry and feel “fat”.
I tried not to dwell on it and think I did an ok job as I had a fun month that included some traveling. And it turns out I didn’t need the costume as I got a horrible cold and had to cancel my Halloween party and ended up spending the actual day of Halloween at the White House (woot!).
And this year comes around and I decided to try borrowing the costume from Robin again. I prepared myself for not fitting into the costume and even asked her where I could by the part that didn’t fit as some of the parts fit just fine. I knew I had gained weight since last fall as I remember feeling thinner and feeling fitter.
I took a deep breath and tried shimmying into the costume. No tears required this time – it fit!!! Unbelievable. It is tight, but last year I wasn’t even able to get the dress onto my frame.
I had to stop and think to myself. I had actually remembered feeling thinner last year. I was sure of it. I was definitely bigger this year, no doubt in my mind. And despite the evidence that has been presented to me, I still freakin’ question it! I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around it. This is how disordered eating works. It whispers horribly mean things in your ear, things you would never even consider saying to anyone. Things that reduce you to tears and make want to work out more and eat less and
hate intensely dislike yourself. It’s a problem I have, and try as I might to just love myself the way I am and be happy with my curvy body, it feels like an uphill battle. Every. single. day.
I hesitated about posting this, I’ve been gradually posting more and more about my personal relationship with myself and I do this so others that may have similar problems know they aren’t alone. I want to tell you that I am in a happy place and am recovering 100% from everything. But I’m not, it’s not the reality of the situation. I have come leaps and bounds from where I was and I’m happy with the direction I’m going, but I still have so much work to do.
I also wanted to share with you my break from chocolate. I LOVE chocolate. Maybe a little too much. When I’m in a good place, I eat it a few times a week (probably a bit every other day). I noticed over the summer, my intake crept up to daily, which wasn’t so bad. I didn’t think too much of it. And then I had some stressful things going on at the beginning of September and I started stress eating. I didn’t worry about it too much as sometimes it helps me through a stressful time and I’d rather not dwell on making myself feel badly about it. But by the second week of September I went from having a few squares of chocolate a day to an entire chocolate bar. And brownies. And maybe half of a bag of chocolate chips. Yikes! At the risk of setting some food restrictions habit in place, I decided to take a break from it. It’s been almost 3 weeks and I actually feel a lot better and know it was the right thing to do. I do not plan on breaking forever. I actually think I will try gradually incorporating it again by the end of the month, but it’s right for the time being. It’s a fine line between taking a break from something and restricting, but I feel good about it. It doesn’t feel like restricting and it hasn’t set any other old behaviours into motion.
This is a long post and if you’ve made this far – I thank you for reading and supporting me through some rough stuff. I’ll keep working at it =)
Last month we checked out a beautiful beach south of where we live – I’ll leave you with a few pictures: